The Setting Sun

C.S. Lewis found God while riding on his brother's motorcycle. For Saul, a bright light on the way to Damascus transformed his heart into that of the Apostle Paul. For my spiritual mentor, it was looking into the eyes of his newborn son that sparked his journey from atheism to Christianity.

And as for me, well, I found my way home thanks to a simple sunset.

Renting the Santa Monica beach house seemed like the perfect move at the time. There was no better place I could study for the bar exam -- away from the bright lights of Los Angeles and all its distractions. Yet, in the end, moving into the beach house would prove the most lethal move to my atheist credence. With a wall of windows that framed the ocean in all its pictorial beauty, I was doomed a goner from the beginning.

On my first day as a beach bum-ess, it didn’t take long until I was unpacked and settled in. Placing my last pair of shoes into the closet, I started to giggle at the life moment I had reached.

I had done it...

On the Brink

I was just weeks from earning my MBA and law degree, and an offer for my dream international job was on the table. I had just returned from Europe, marking the end of a seven-summer dynasty of traveling. I had already lived in Italy, Costa Rica and London, and had a photo album overflowing with tales of adventures, from South African safaris to French Riviera film festivals. Growing up just a small town girl, life outside Clovis, California, had always lured me. Without hesitation I had followed, turning my back on my faith and the "fairy tales" of the Bible.

But there I was, at 27, sitting in the beach house, wondering why I still felt like something was missing in my life.

I began to stare out the window at the Setting Sun. Surely I had seen many beautiful sunsets, but this one stirred deep within me. I was completely mesmerized by its beauty. It was the most stunning sunset I had ever seen. There I was, shocked by the conclusion I had come to.

There was no doubt in my mind that someone had DESIGNED this. And then it struck me what might possibly be missing from my life.

Coming Out of Atheism

I had thrown out the possibility of a personal God when I "grew up" and "realized" that Christianity was a book of fairy tales. My childhood faith died shortly after I left for college. But that day in the beach house marked the beginning of a two-month journey where I reconsidered Christianity.

From philosophy to science to history I obsessively researched and gathered and tried to prove that there was no way both science and Christianity could be true. Yet the more I searched, the more I realized that science, philosophy and history actually supported the claims of Christianity. And thanks to the works of C.S. Lewis, I had reached a moment where I suddenly drew back…and just stopped.

I believed that Christianity was the truth.

The revelation scared me. I believed, yes, but giving my heart to Jesus freaked me out. I had done it when I was 10 years old, but now, I wasn’t sure what would happen to me. Surely giving my life to Jesus meant I would have to give him all I had achieved -- my job offer, my degrees, my Jimmy Choos, and, sigh, the man I had waited for all of my life.

Betting everything on the cross and not knowing what would happen in return scared me. I couldn’t just sacrifice everything like that.

I pondered the decision for days.

The Logic of Faith

Back in Clovis, at my parents’ house, I dug up my childhood Bible. There on the inside cover, just a little girl, I had written a verse:

Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. Hebrews 11:1

I realized that I was wiser at age 10 than I had been at 27. God could have engraved the Ten Commandments on the moon for me to see, but if God were to declare himself beyond our ability to reject him, then he would be forcing himself on us and that wouldn't be love at all.

God knew that true love is a choice, a choice that cannot be made with the sharpest of minds but only with the faith of a heart. Giving him my heart meant, taking a step of faith and betting everything I had on the cross. Although I couldn’t see what would happen with my life, I had to be “sure of what I hoped for and certain of what I did not see.”

Crossing the Jordan

It was on Coast Boulevard in the La Jolla Cove, with another sun setting before me, where I found myself on the brink of crossing the Jordan. I started to pray…..and slowly I began to bet my all on the cross…

“Jesus, I give you everything," I said. "I give you my degrees, my job offer, my future, my friends, my lifestyle… You are in control now... I will follow wherever you lead me…”

There was still one last sacrifice to be made, though, and this one would hurt the worst.

With the sun setting before me, I dialed his number ... and after a lot of tears, I let go of the guy I had waited for all of my life.  There I was, betting all I had on the fact that the sunset before me was the product of a creator, and that the Holy One of Nazareth was the only thing that could truly fulfill the heart within me. I had finally crossed the Jordan to where my heart had always longed for -- a home that existed not of this world but somewhere past the Setting Sun.

And as the sun slipped into bed, I gave the last bit of my heart to Jesus.

But it was he who had given his heart first. Opening his arms as wide as they could go, he hung there on the cross, declaring his love for all those who would seek him. A love that is so deep and so eternal that it is written across the sky.

“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.” –Psalm 19:1

“So that from the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, you may know there is none like me, I am your God and there is no other.” –Isaiah 45:6

© Copyright 2009 Jennifer S. Belcher